Defeated

I feel defeated. Do you know what I mean? I feel like I just want to quit…everything. Ministry, my family, my relationships. Have you ever felt like that? I feel so pressured (which I’m not) to do so much. I feel like everyone in the BCM, my church, my family expects more than I can give. A leader is someone who gives responsibilities to others to create leaders. I do this and stuff doesn’t get done. People don’t seem to either remember to do it, constantly ask me how to do it (which in turn I end up doing it…all they do is order it). My sense of trust is gone.

I’m always tired because my mind never stops…there is no finish line. There is always something else to do in ministry. Messages to write, meetings to attend, people to call. There is no way of quantifying an end. No way of “feeling” accomplished. When I was a server there was always an end and a way of feeling accomplished…How much money I made that day.

Is there a web app to fix this God?

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4 thoughts on “Defeated

  1. Hey Rahul,

    Man, this is super super sad. I’m so so so sorry, brother.
    It sounds like you’re really depressed, losing hope – this sucks a lot. Have you heard of Anne Jackson’s book – Mad Church Disease. She mentions similar kinds of feelings to what you’re talking about. You may have heard of her blog – flowerdust.net. If you email her, I’m sure she’d get back to you and counsel you a bit – maybe mention that Jesse from Catalyst sent you. (Don’t worry, she’s married).

    Bro, I’m so sorry. My personal opinion is that working in church, you do tend to get chewed-up and spit-out. I think there are books addressing the problem you mentioned – there’s no finish line. I think Andy Stanley or some others have probably written on this – that might help.

    I feel the same way here at Catalyst – ironically b/c we do have a main conference that we work toward. I just feel like there’s always more to do and it never stops, and I never catch-up. So, of course, I have no solutions for you, and you probably don’t want that anyway. Maybe you should change jobs?

    Rahul, I’ll pray for you. I’m sad that you seem depressed, cause that’s a very scary place to be. Don’t do anything drastic. I pray that God gives you supernatural hope and leads you in a great direction to get out of this frustrating place you’re in!

    Do you have any guys you can talk with this about? that might help too.

    God bless you, Rahul.

    PS – how did you know that about Craig Groeschel?

  2. I’ve experienced this myself having been a leader of two college ministries. It’s hard, no doubt. I’ve taken some time to really get back to the heartbeat of what I believe God has called me to “BE” and “DO” – being true to my DNA.

    Maybe you should go back to the drawing board:
    Redefine, Rethink, and Rediscover the vision God placed in your heart years ago for your ministry, for your marriage, and for your life.

    I think the more you become clear about your DNA – as far as what God has gifted and called you to “BE” and “DO” – the less stressful the process will be.

    I’m in the middle of reading Wild Goose Chase by Mark Batterson. If you haven’t already, I would recommend you to read this book soon.I think it may be relevant to this point of your life. I know it has been for mine. Oh, and grab Mad Church Disease while you’re at it if you haven’t already.

    Wish you the best!

  3. Thanks for your encouragement Jesse and Antwon.
    I think that I go through spouts like this because ministry is VERY lonely. Jesse, you mentioned that if I had anyone I could talk to about this and the answer is a resounding no. I feel like I have to project this image (like Craig talks about in confessions of a pastor) that is false and not who I am. I can’t get past that when it comes to talking and sharing. Ironically, this past week I went to a meeting with an organization called all-pro pastors. They pair up people and let them talk about the ministry that no one else understands. I guess that was God smacking me in the face saying I really need that.
    I’ll definitely check out that back, I’ve downloaded the free chapter.
    p.s. I got to have lunch with Craig during catalyst, that’s how I know, but it was in passing so not sure how true it was.
    Antwon…You are so right. I do need to go back to the drawing board. I don’t think I need to change jobs but go on God’s vision again as I have slipped into my own vision causing my own frustrations. I received Wild Goose Chase from Catalyst last november, I guess I should read it as well.
    Thanks for hanging with me guys. Keep praying. I always think of doing stupid stuff but never really do. I preach that God gives this peace but I never have grasped it…that’s what I want right now.

  4. Pingback: New Fav « re:connect

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